the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
