he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
