i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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