I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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