Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
