So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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