There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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