hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
