i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
