my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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