she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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