i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
