I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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