You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
