I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
