How's work?
Spinning.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize