in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
