my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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