You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
