drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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