Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Someone signed my nipple.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
