You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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