cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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