And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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