Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize