You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
