Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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