he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
