Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
