FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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