It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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