Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
