i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
