I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
