I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
