I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
