Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
