I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
