He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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