We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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