It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
