he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
