Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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