dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
