i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize