Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
