he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
