critical mistake not lubing the nipples
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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