i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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