i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
