there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
