Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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