Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
