Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
