My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
