Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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