I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
is wine microwaveable?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
