i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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