I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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