someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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