Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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