I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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